Sensational claims by Maori Chief Wallo Baarganz will cause shock and despair among Fingal shoppers in the run up to Easter. Speaking exclusively to SSS the leader who controls an area the size of Louth in central New Zealand described in detail how he had witnessed the origins of a clever but amateurish wine relabeling operation. Amazingly the tribal leader was certain the plan originated from Swords - over 11,000 miles away. His claims indicate a local gang cashed in on JC's customers love of Australian wine cheating them and the much loved Swords supermarket by relabeling New Zealand wine as Australian.
Speaking from his hut on his Nokia mobile phone (powered by ant droppings) Chief Baarganz told how he first encountered the counterfeiters. "Six months ago some of my tribe came to me in a very worried state. They told me five strange white men were acting in a worrying manner on our vineyard. We are a peaceful tribe - we have our land back now. We just want to farm it and cause no trouble so I went to meet them. Before I even saw them I noticed lots of discarded Dutch Gold cans, Amber Leaf boxes and Paddy Power betting slips littering the road. The men were quite sunburnt, spoke in almost unintelligible English and wore Adidas tracksuits. When I was younger my father sent me to study Anthropology at Oxford for five years so I knew they were from North Dublin."
When asked how he knew the men were from Swords the Chief was very clear "I asked where were they from and they kept roaring "Swords". My men got very frightened - they thought the five were about to draw weapons. We called the police but it takes two days for them to get here. When the police eventually arrived we discovered a few hundred cases of our wine were missing."
Fate however would play a vital role in uncovering the eventual destination of the wine " We heard no more about it until my sixty seventh oldest lad Bumba called me from Ireland three days ago. Myself and my eighth wife wanted toughen him up so we sent him to live in a houseshare in Park Avenue in Swords with three Polish lads. They all work in JC's and have to walk through St.Cronans school at drop-off time every morning to get to work. He cried daily for the first three months but now he's stable - well his psychiatrist says so. Anyway he recognised the bottles and informed management who immediately removed them. "
SSS understands management at JC's are making every effort to get the wine returned to it's rightful owners before Easter. Ever one for puns the wine will be packed in a large crate emblazoned with the logo "You're not Savage's - we are! " .
No comments:
Post a Comment