Malahide Twenty-something Threatens NOT To Buy House In Donabate

    Real concern was being expressed in our prestigious neighbouring town this Easter as an apparently sane local man was threatening to move out of Malahide but NOT move to Donabate. The man whose identity we will not reveal for fear of reprisal spoke exclusively to SSS :

  (Using Google map and detailed instructions we gave the man directions to a landmark public house on Main Street, Swords to record our interview. Due to him suffering repeated panic attacks on approaching the area we eventually gave in and met the man in the Pavilions Shopping Centre)

    "Everyday a new friend or colleague is moving to Donabate. Since the Millennium very few can afford to stay so one by one they all go there. A few have gone to Seabury claiming it's Malahide but that's ridiculous and everybody laughs at them behind their back..."

    So began our interview with Fergal a twenty-eight year old chartered accountant. His face paled and his voiced strained as he described his "nightmare future" as he sees it. "I mean TWO pubs how could I cope ? There's only one restaurant and no Dart. There's non-Irish walking along the Main Street, some not even speaking English our native language. You don't know where they went to school and even who their dad was ! "

   As a table attendant of African origin cleared his latte cup Fergal suffered another panic attack and had to terminate the interview. Within minutes our reporter could see his Audi convertible speed towards the Malahide roundabout destined for "home". It's understood that since our interview Fergal has received intensive psychiatric help over the last fortnight and is hoped will move to shared accommodation in The Links, Donabate as part of "Systematic Desensitization" therapy. We wish him well.

"JC's Australian Wine NOT From Australia" - Shock Claim

 

    Sensational claims by Maori Chief Wallo Baarganz will cause shock and despair among Fingal shoppers in the run up to Easter. Speaking exclusively to SSS the leader who controls an area the size of Louth in central New Zealand described in detail how he had witnessed the origins of a clever but amateurish wine relabeling operation. Amazingly the tribal leader was certain the plan originated from Swords - over 11,000 miles away. His claims indicate a local gang cashed in on JC's customers love of Australian wine cheating them and the much loved Swords supermarket by relabeling New Zealand wine as Australian.

   Speaking from his hut on his Nokia mobile phone (powered by ant droppings) Chief Baarganz told how he first encountered the counterfeiters. "Six months ago some of my tribe came to me in a very worried state. They told me five strange white men were acting in a worrying manner on our vineyard. We are a peaceful tribe - we have our land back now. We just want to farm it and cause no trouble so I went to meet them. Before I even saw them I noticed lots of discarded Dutch Gold cans, Amber Leaf boxes and Paddy Power betting slips littering the road. The men were quite sunburnt, spoke in almost unintelligible English and wore Adidas tracksuits. When I was younger my father sent me to study Anthropology at Oxford for five years so I knew they were from North Dublin."

   When asked how he knew the men were from Swords the Chief was very clear "I asked where were they from and they kept roaring "Swords". My men got very frightened - they thought the five were about to draw weapons. We called the police but it takes two days for them to get here. When the police eventually arrived we discovered a few hundred cases of our wine were missing."

     Fate however would play a vital role in uncovering the eventual destination of the wine " We heard no more about it until my sixty seventh oldest lad Bumba called me from Ireland three days ago. Myself and my eighth wife wanted toughen him up so we sent him to live in a houseshare in Park Avenue in Swords with three Polish lads. They all work in JC's and have to walk through St.Cronans school at drop-off time every morning to get to work. He cried daily for the first three months but now he's stable - well his psychiatrist says so. Anyway he recognised the bottles and informed management who immediately removed them. "

    SSS understands management at JC's are making every effort to get the wine returned to it's rightful owners before Easter. Ever one for puns the wine will be packed in a large crate emblazoned with the logo "You're not Savage's - we are! " .

Excitement Mounts As Right Door Re-opens At Swords Central

 
     Excitement is mounting this week in the Fingal capital as another annual event looms large - only this time a full two weeks early. Management at Swords Central Shopping Centre have announced the right hand door at the Main Street entrance will re-open next Sunday 27th March at 11am.

     Regular visitors to the shopping mall will know that for much of the year shoppers are greeted by a left hand door that opens and a right hand one that sadly remained shut and blocked with a cone. It is understood that heat preservation was the reason. Since last Autumn management at Swords Central have been liaising closely with "Climewatch Ireland" the new government agency charged with monitoring global warming in Ireland. Its understood that the agency advised that the date to open both doors could be brought forward by a fortnight in time for Easter Sunday. Rising temperatures are understood to be the reason.

     Newly re-elected TD Alan Farrell reacted positively to the news stating " The fact that even the weather has improved in recent months is further evidence that the policies of the outgoing government were working and a genuine recovery was taking place". However Independent TD Clare Daly angrily attacked the decision citing the temperature rise as "Makey uppey rubbish pushed down our throats by a government appointed gang of scientific cronies" Deputy Daly forecast that the rise would be used as an excuse by the incoming government to increase Water Charges in 2017.

     Despite threatened protests the reopening ceremony will go ahead as planned Gardaí confirmed last night. Some traffic restrictions may apply between 10.30 and 11.30 am as the "Removing of the Cone Ceremony " takes place.

 Earlier in the day management stated that the ceremony would be carried out by a "Fair City cast member living in Swords". As eleven Fair City cast members live in the Swords region SSS can only hazard a guess as to which one !

Envious Reilly To Sue FCC For "Shade Copyright Infringment"

   
     Former TD Dr. James Reilly has stated he will sue Fingal County Council if they ever again bathe Swords Castle "or any public building" with a particular shade of green. The distinctive shade was allegedly used during to St.Patrick's day celebrations this year. Citing "Shade Copyright Legislation" Dr. Reilly said it was unfair to use the exact same shade of green he turned when he realised he had lost his seat to his party colleague Alan Farrell.

     Many eyebrows were raised when Farrell who was lucky to be elected in 2011 easily beat Reilly in last month's contest. Polling 7,419 first preference votes Farrell stunned the former IMO president who polled just 4,666. The green colour Dr Reilly turned was seen by an estimated 450,000 viewers watching the live declaration on RTE1 television. It's understood Reilly's legal team have already demanded the state broadcaster hand over the recordings for analysis particularly of the colour Reilly turned as Farrell's vote was conveyed.

    Contacted exclusively by SSS Reilly rubbished any suggestion that the bathing of Swords Castle in green was merely in honour of St.Patrick's day. He claimed the illumination and particular shade chosen was a carefully orchestrated gloating campaign by "Fianna Fail, anti-water charge groups and razor blade manufacturers' " who had infiltrated the highest levels of Fingal County Council.

   Neither Fianna Fail, AAA or Gillette would comment on the matter when contacted by our reporter.